Sunday, April 19, 2009

Lola vs. Moronic Morons

There are times I think I should be able to hit customers in the face. This usually occurs around Saturday morning at 7am when I'm stuck working a conference where my colleagues were nice enough to leave me the day before (thanks guys!), and I'm still hung over from going out to a duelling piano bar where I'm pretty sure I have incriminating pictures of me dancing with some guys from the Airforce.

Bleary-eyed and forced to plaster an engaging smile on my face while people come up to me, having absolutely no idea what my company does, and asking me incredibly inane questions is not my idea of a good time. But factor in only three hours of sleep with one particularly stupid customer and you pretty much have my version of hell.

This woman, swathed in freebie conference gear and a neon green fanny pack, waddled up to my booth with a scowl on her face and a pair of jewel-studded eye-glasses slipping down her nose. She literally threw her sign-in sheet at me and remained unapologetic as I had to scramble to pick it up off the cement floor. "I stopped by yesterday and you weren't here! " She accused as a I hastily pasted a smile on my face while I stamped her sheet. "Plus, it's really hard to find your booth. Couldn't you have, like, been in the center or something?"

First off I wasn't there last night because the exhibit hall was closed. But I imagine this rodent of a woman didn't care because she was clearly manic at the idea of getting free, completely useless stuff from abandoned exhibit booths. And second, if there was a way to make it harder for her to find me I would have moved heaven and earth to do so. I may have even sold my soul.

Of course, I could say none of this. Instead I had to chatter excitedly about my products and what my company could do for her. I couldn't even get out a sentence because she immediately waved her sausage-link sized fingers in front of my face and said, "I don't really care about your stuff. You don't have chairs. Why aren't you selling chairs like THOSE people?" She pointed to the booth across from mine.

Um, because we are not a furniture company you stupid, selfish cow. "We're a publisher and are responsible for some great training materials. Is there anything I can help you with concerning books?"

"Do you have any books on chairs? Because that's all I'm interested in." Then her beady little eyes zeroed in on the hand sanitizer I was giving away and she shoved not one, not two, but three bottles into that neon green eye-sore belted around her waist. Then she had the gall to ask,"Can I take one of these?"

Before I could even open my mouth to answer her she slithered off to the next stall, frothing at the mouth over the free water bottles on display.

I firmly believe I would be more productive to society- not to mention a happier person in general- if I was just allowed to slap someone in the face every once in awhile. Hear that resounding crack of skin across skin. Sigh. I swear I would not use my powers for evil! I would not take advantage of this freebie slap. I would only reserve the right for those very special morons who are completely and utterly useless to myself and others.

I guess that means another demerit in the whole morality department. So that makes:

Lola: 4 Morality: 0

4 comments:

Danielle said...

who ever coined the phrase "the customer is always right" needs the first slap

Merrick said...

I see no problem with you serving up beat-downs in situations like that. Were you the only one in the booth? Further, you could give out warm turds and people like that will fill their bags o' swag. Get some lives, people!

Lola Lakely said...

Alas, I was alone because my colleagues had the "i have kids and need to get home on the weekend" excuse. Bastards.

John Trumbull said...

This reminded me of a particularly harrowing shift at Blockbuster Video in Nashville in the mid 90s, where I thought, "I should have a gun behind this counter. I should have a gun, and I should be allowed to shoot anyone who wants to rent one of the ERNEST movies."