I have a lot of examples of the crazy girl paranoia that has become indicative of my relationships with my guy friends' significant others. But for the sake of time and blog entry length, I'm just going to focus on one. I have known my friend Justin for over ten years now- we were practically roommates (platonic!!!) once upon a time- and I recently met his fiancee, Pam.
This is the first conversation we ever had:
Setting: Big, sprawling well-lit bar. Our heroine, Lola, steps into the scene, her jeans and t-shirt slightly rumpled from the 4 hour car ride she has just endured. Still, she has a warm smile on her face as she scans the bar. Her large, brown eyes light up as they find a handsome couple across the room. Immediately she heads over to them, gives Justin, a twenty-something copper haired guy, a hug and introduces herself to Pam, a stunning blond in her early twenties. Justin immediately goes back to the game of pool he has been immersed in.
Lola: (with a warm smile) It's so nice to finally meet you! Justin has been talking about you forever!
Pam: (with apprehension) He's talked about you a lot too.
Lola: Oh. (pausing awkwardly) He's said that you're an adjunct professor, right? That seems like a crazy amount of hard work but at least you get summers off!
Pam: Sometimes I teach during the summer.
Lola: (looking down, notices Pam's shoes and gives a little sigh of delight) Those heels are so cute! Where did you get them?
Pam: I forget.
Justin: (shouting from across the room, jumping up and down, making a rude gesture to his friend) Suck on that Steve!
Lola: (laughing as she gives Pam a slight nudge) And he's all yours!
However here is what happened in crazy girl paranoia land:
Setting: Dingy smoky, pub with scattered pool tables. Our femme fatale, Lola, languidly sashays into the bar, her skin-tight red dress matches the exact shade of her full, pouty lips. Her kohl-rimmed eyes smolder as she targets Justin. With a coy, seductive smile on her lips, Lola struts over to the couple and drapes herself all over Justin. Justin, a twenty-something copper headed mischief-maker, leans into the hug with undisguised fervor. After a longing glance back at Lola, Justin unwillingly goes back to his game of pool. One eyebrow raised in utter disdain, Lola holds out her hand to Pam, a cute, blond ingenue with innocent blue eyes.
Lola: (with a malevolent grin) So we finally meet. Justin drones on and on about you.
Pam:(with apprehension) He's talked about you a lot too.
Lola: (mocking tone) He's said that you're an old school marm, right? How, um, charming. (laughing cruelly) That's too much work for me. I prefer going out and stealing other women's men. At least you get the summers off to do that.
Pam: (pausing a moment) Sometimes I teach during the summer.
Lola: (looking down at Pam's shoes with complete and utter contempt) Those heels are so... cute. Where did you get them? (pausing dramatically) So I can avoid that store like the plague.
Pam: (looking wounded) I forget.
Justin: (shouting from across the room) Suck on that Steve! (winking at Lola conspiratorially now) Remember when you used to do that to me, Lola?
Lola: And he's all yours! (the next is said under her breath with a breathy, maniacal laugh) For now.
Is complimenting a girls shoes and asking about her job tantamount to insulting her calling in life, insinuating that you will seduce their man, and mocking her clothes? Because if that's seriously how people can interpret things in crazy girl paranoia land, god, I'm so glad I don't live there. I'm quite comfortable residing in the township of saying-exactly-what-I-think.