Monday, March 9, 2009

Lola vs. Lying Liars who Lie

I once had the interesting experience of dating a pathological liar. Unfortunately when we first met, his pants were not on fire so there was no way to gleam this particular personality quirk. Which is why I have decided that people need to come with BIG indicators. Or at least ominous music. Wouldn’t that be increasingly helpful? Imagine this scenario: You are at the bar with your friends, getting a drink and suddenly the door opens and he walks in. His dark hair is slightly tousled as if he has just gotten out of flashy red convertible, his features are chiseled, and his lips are hard yet full of promise. Those bottle green eyes of his arrow straight to your face and you shiver in anticipation. He walks over to you, with just the right amount of confidence in his gait, and gives you a grin that practically curls your toes it has so much sex appeal. When he opens his mouth BAM!!: Toccata and Fugue in D Minor.

Approximate time saved: 2 months- 1 year

Lifetime movies do it ALL the time. Which is why I can never understand why the woman consistently dates the man who either rapes/abuses her over several long years, molests her daughter, or is a pilot who has three other wives in three different cities. And sometimes all of these things occur to the same woman. Doesn’t she hear the desolate piano notes that accompany him whenever he either enters or leaves a room? Seriously, they're pretty friggen loud.

If I had heard those foreboding tones when I met Mr. Liar Liar from the Township of Liarsville, I would have been able to run as far and as fast as I could. I know you learn something during every relationship and I could throw in the obligatory he made me a better person, blah, blah, blah, blah… but I still would have liked to have learned that lesson in- oh I don’t know- a year instead of four to five? And it would also have saved me a lot of drama at the end that was nearly worthy of its own lifetime saga which going forward, I would like to call: The Unraveling of Lies- The Lola Lakely Story.

Now doesn’t that movie rate an ominous musical score? But that’s another story.

If someone has any indicators to share with me, I'd really like to know. And not just for myself. I'd like to save some of my guy friends from that girl who likes to cut herself in dark corners when no one is watching. Which sadly has happened to my friend Kane. Twice.

1 comment:

Michele said...

Hmmm....let's see, I may be able to help you but only after I was too blind to notice.

1. If he refuses to let you hold his left hand make sure you sneak a peek when he isn't looking because a) he's married and hiding his wedding ring or b) he lost one of his fingers in a crazy ravioli accident...(in my case it was B but that's pretty rare)

2. If he works long hours and every holiday and he isn't a doctor or a lawyer...follow him and see if he's really working and also ask him to recite his times tables. Chances are a) he's cheating on you or b) he's too stupid to do anything other than retail. My case, B) waaay too stupid.

3) If he tells you that his drivers license was suspended and so he can't drive, ask him when and why...then call the DMV and find out how all this crap works because a) he may be a dare devil and therefore driving with him could be dangerous or b) he never had a drivers license (Can you guess which one happened to me???)

Yeah, I'm not lying, this is all real. Hope it helps you if you ever run into my ex at a bar.