Monday, March 30, 2009

Lola vs. Avoiding a Relationship

Lately I have been doing my very best to avoid a relationship at all costs. My friends tease me about it (well the girls mostly) but I have become more and more confident in the ability to circumvent dreaded words like "feelings" and "heart" and phrases like "do you think your mom would like me" and "what are you doing on the 29th as I have a wedding to go to".

Maybe it's because I am shallow and I have no soul. Or maybe it's because my last relationship not only cost me a lot of time and money but also several trips to the local police station. Either way the result is the same. Serious relationship< Something I scrape off of the bottom of my shoes.

Here are some simple rules that once implemented are sure to help you avoid a serious entanglement:
  1. Never see the same person two weekends in a row.
  2. Once you've made a date with someone on a weekend, make sure you relegate him/her to a weeknight next time.
  3. Leave Saturdays for meeting new people.
  4. Don't hook up with your friends. This only leads to feelings. Yuck.
  5. If you are too drunk to drive and must sleep over, make sure you leave before breakfast the next morning.
  6. Never, ever go to a wedding with someone you are dating.
  7. This one should be blatantly obvious but just in case- No meeting families. EVER.

Unfortunately, I also have a great tip on how to get rid of a guy who is interested in you. Sport a big, ugly bruise on your arm and then make the disastrous mistake of telling one of your best guy friends that it was an STD test. That way when you are talking to a really hot guy at the bar, your friend will lie in wait until he hears the guy ask you how you got the bruise. Then, like the incredible homing pigeon that he is, he will swoop in and shout," That's her AIDS test."

Again, thanks Kane. That was really helpful.


Michele said...

Oh Lola! You'll change your mind one day! lol

Laura said...

Not bloody likely!

Tint said...

Maybe you need to switch to women!... Kiddin, I swear. I'm still holding out hope that Ash is a real person. ;)